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{Friday}

 
I’M E.M. CIORAN’S YOUNGER BROTHER, GET ME A BOOK DEAL!

Seen while channel surfing. . .
I’m A Celebrity…, 9.23 pm, ITV1

A PHIL TUFNELL monologue... might not sound like a Highlight of the Night, but my GOD, it was spellbinding, hypnotic in its own bleak way, like some heavenly mixture of TONY HANCOCK, BECKETT (“it’s not boring... no, not BORING... pointless, maybe? Yes, pointless… OR boring… maybe both…”) and CROCODILE DUNDEE…

I think he shows remarkable restraint, actually.

Put me in a rain forest with no cigs, drink or the special big 20mg temazepam, wake me up after a terrible uncomfortable night of cold, rot, insects, to see the hideous, unreal, wracked faces of Wayne Sleep, Daniella Westbrook and the incredible 400 YEAR OLD Toyah STARING at you through the smoke. . .

AND THEN (before you’ve even given me my first essential coffee colored coffee of the day*) . . . rub my aching face in the sight of those grinning banality MONKEYS Ant & Dec being all ‘cheeky’ and pseudo creepy cruel. . .

… I somehow think SOMETHING WOULD ENSUE which would make the scenes described by BRANDO say in APOCALYPSE NOW look like a Chekhov play…

… shaky Blair Witch type camera pans in to see TWO bloodied STAKES with shocked, UNgrinning ANT & DEC heads on…

(*People who have experience of the immediate a.m. pre-2nd-coffee IP will confirm that the above is NO EXAGGERATION…)


. . .isn’t the above surely HELL ON EARTH?

Or is what I just read in The Groanydad about the recent recording of a JOOLS HOLLAND Hootennany… featuring ‘Johnny Dankworth jamming with Craig David…’ (I am NOT making this up) isn’t… isn’t THAT…
He shivered and averted his eyes from the terrible manuscript…

(IS IT JUST ME addendum:
Is It Just Me, Or. . .is anyone else actually physically ALLERGIC to Craig David, in his any and every manifestation, but more especially when singin’ a coool pseudo samba version of a classic soulful tune with a groovy acoustic guitarist. . .
or. . .Sting. . .I’m A Music Lover, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

Hell is TASTEFUL People.)

posted by Ian 5/02/2003 11:31:00 PM

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