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{Friday}

 
30 MESSIDOR

MANTIC ANTIC PANIC IN N1

I was going to write about ADAM first * ... ridicule is nothing to be scared of ... but I got distracted by another scene out of NAKED FAME ...

Adam and Toyah ... Tony n George ... Ian Duncan Smith and Daniella Westbrook...

... the rules have changed OK ... that 15 minutes we told you about? ... that, indeed, you grabbed with both hands back in the lovely 80s? ... (didn't you even pose with Andy once? Or was that Duran? Frankie? Maggie? Hamnett? Roland? Noel? ... ) ... well, now it's an ETERNAL RETURN ... it's an infinite number of "15 minute" capsules ... it's an eternal boomerang ... and here's the thing but: it can be ANYWHERE ANY TIME ANY HOW ... so you don't just get this 15 minutes of go go go Glory Days - 22 years later you might be absent mindedly eating your breakfast with yolk running down yr unshaven chin and the picture you will see the next morning will be you, yellow chinned, piss stains on your flannel pyjamas, cum in your hair, whatever, in the tabloids:

THEN! he was a hunky sex god ...
NOW! he can't eat his own breakfast without a helping hand

'... once sexy ex-sex god Chauncey Pill Box {"I had two number twos, a number one and 5 number 3s... and Mum says do you want some beans?"} is reduced - as these sad and HEXCLUSIVE photos show - to boiling his own head awake in a sad early morning mixture of last night's kisses, instant karma and cough medecine...

But don't we all look bad first thing in the morning?
Can't ANYTHING look bad if you take it out of context?

{As I was writing these Pill Box notes, in a threadbare old dressing gown - good things in the WASH, not the past... - I realised I was absent mindedly, er, re-arranging my tofu sausage and two vegetarian falafel thru a gap in said gown {anxiety and boredom and absent mindedness and reflection often seem to re-route STRAIGHT to that ring road area for some reason... and it can be very calming to just, uh, pet them ...}
BUT NOW, a clever or "clever" or unscrupulous hack-snapper with the necessarily large lens... you can just see and read it can't you?

ALMOST HENMAN IN TOPLESS BIG BROTHER SLUT NEAR MISS!

Loony lefty Hektor Rottweiler, 43, his only companions now four poor underfed and nervous cats (denied their natural doman of Hello! spreads and advert casting calls), "logs on" to his daily diet of Internet Pawn and Pawlitical innuendo ... Who knows what uses this pinko animal lover will stoop to in his quest to get George Bush to read a book?

This SICKO egghead yesterday published a photo of INNOCENT SHEEP on his sticky "weblog" ... which he dates using NOT our good old british bulldog maggie thatcher posh n becks handicapped baby CALENDAR system, but some satanic Communist and whats worst of all unintelligbly FRENCH system...

But when we doorstepped Mr Rottweiler and asked him to EXPLAIN these photos which QUITE CLEARLY SHOW the ageing roue and self confessed ex junkie {who ADMITS that he still reads up to TWO books a week) manipulating his endowments as he "cruises" the SAME information ALLEYWAYS where YOU our readers very OWN 8 YEAR OLD babies also unsuspectingly skip like little angels, talking to the cyber trees and bees and fuzzy things... little knowing that behind those same trees lurk PERVERTS like Mr Rottweiler here, who, bitter at the fact that he has a merely "completely contented" existence has to get his SICK jollies in this unnatural way, what the cyber "community" calls 'one-handed logging'...
He had nothing to say, this cyber MONSTER, about his LESBIAN neighbours three streets away, frail ELDERLY parents or his description of brave international figurehead George Bush and Friend of Murdoch Inter- ... uh, BRITAIN's PEOPLE as "that fuckwit wanker c*nt" ...
A psychologist yesterday told us: "Mr Rottweiler displays all the symptoms of fullblown notgiveashit-itis ... and he's probably a cross between Bluebeard and Stalin and Clare Short to boot ... and you're sure Rupert can get Elisabeth to get Mathew to get Sky to give me a daytime Tricia like show on SKY...?"

We here at the PANOPTISUN say: HANGING'S TOO GOOD FOR...

{I have to say I was just starting to feel genuinely sorry for Adam thinking 'what kind of a society blah blah blah....' when you got even Adam's B.F. Marco P. shaking his head in exasperation and saying "- and the first thing he did once he'd been sectioned was ring The SUN himself and ..." AND ZZZZZZZt! There goes my sympathy, right out the window.

Talk about setting yourself up for a fall. Getting into bed with the tabloids is one thing: but settling down for LIFE ...?

Sleep with a mad dog and you'll wake up every morning having to spend 15 minutes cleaning the froth and foam and blood off yr sheets and curtains and carpets. And it's no use saying weakly: Look, I said you could sleep here for ONE NIGHT... you've been here 15 years... one minute you lick me, the next you bite my fucking hand off... that MAD DOG will be on your case for ever and 15 minutes now, bub ...

ONCE she was a fresh faced young doll about town who knocked back champers with ageing old hacks and didn't mind showng them a bit of thigh as she bent over to retrieve her PALM pilot OH god I'm sorry how did that get KNOCKED OFF the LIP of our STICKY table...
... NOW she's a haggard 8 am ex-Girl reduced to sleeping with her husband in what after all loony feminists call the legalised prostitution of the marriage bed ['Ere - hang on. 'Ave you chekced this editorial line out with Rupe first? - Sub.] ...

... FAME will keep repeating like a bad dream ... everyone will be FAMOUS for 15 minutes and it will be coke and cock and limos and lines and langour ... but read the smallprint, kids, from now on, everyone will ALSO be "famous" for 15 years ... 15 mini-you fame-"minutes" {we call them bullet points} ... like a gruellingly protracted unpleasurable handjob behind some bins out back of the place behind the real cheapo hypermarket where the big skips full of yesterdays produce are...
... I MEAN, nobody WANTS to do this, the [prostitute/press photographer/profiler] doesnt WANT to give the hand-job, I mean, its not exactly what you'd tell your children to go do for a living, is it, I mean, it's hard enough telling them what we do it for...

- What is it you do, Daddy? - Well, sweetie, Daddy FOLLOWs people on tiptoe like a Stazi agent and tries to catch them doing BAD things, like, those little human things we all do, sweety pie, so that he can get HAPPY SNAPS of them - Like when I burp-ed Daddy? - Yes, sweetie,just like that - So do you love these people like you love ME Daddy? - Well, NO, hun ... but uh Daddy's like a, uh, a policeman or detective or a jury or ...a hanging judge, SWEETIE, he has to produce 5 rolls of evidence a day just to keep you in fucking Harry Potters, SWEETIE - So they must be weally weally IMPORTANT people, Daddy? - Well... no, they're BAD people, sweetie, bad people, bad people Daddy has to peep over walls like a frustrated 13 year old schoolboy to get blurry pictures of their wine cork nipples, hunnybunny ... - NIP-pulls? Do I have ni...? - NO! hunny, we dont talk about our own nipples, hunnybunny, NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER, and if hunnybun EVER sees some man peering over our fence taking pictures - Like you Daddy? - NO! well YES, but no, like Daddy yes, but, but, but nevermind, just, if this man is taking pictures of, of your.. your... not-boy postage stamps, then tell daddy STRAIGHT AWAY, ok? So Daddy can beat the BAD MAN to within an inch of his goddamn cocksucker pervo life...

... and on the Other end of the lens, nobody ever thought this is how they'd end up getting their gratification and sense of identity, I mean, there's eros, that moment when talk or sex or the Social between two people turns into something dizzyingly intimate and cosmic - and then there's... getting a gruellingly protracted hand-job (for jesus christs sake don't you girls carry lube?} behind the bins of yesterday's produce... and its an allegorical stand-off... who has the most to lose... someone has to blink and say, you know, This really isn't working, this handjob could go on for ever..., and if it does, who knows what kind of grotesque halllucinations might set in ... and who knows how we'll THEN be able to tell what's real from what's set up, what's imporant from what's inane, what's spin from what's ... IN-SANE IN THE MEMBRANE ...

Ian Duncan Smith and Daniella Westbrook TOGETHER in a photo op for a "new" Carry On movie...

I'll say that again.

Ian Duncan Smith and Daniella Westbrook TOGETHER in a photo op for a "new" Carry On movie...

This isn't made up, this isn't me being all Pill Box surrealist and hardy har har. This was on TV last night. Flash flash flash go the orgasmo narcisso fleshbulbs. pop! pop! pop! in one of those NAKED LUNCH moments when everyone suddenly sees what's on the end of their antennae:

Ian Duncan Smith and Daniella Westbrook -

POSED, in a fulsome embrace, her newly goo-plumped tits, his big bald bonce, a perfect compositional pyramid, they didn't catch him out, Daniella wasn't waiting around behind the BINS with her big plastic tits and stevienicks nose, waiting to catch an unwary Conservative leader, who just... I - uh - I just happen to walk home this way every night, between the parking lot and my, my constit.. I like to talk to these down and out celebs, I ... - so that some hungover sub could headline the pic CARRY ON UP THE POLLS or KHYBER or...

Ian Duncan Smith and Daniella Westbrook... handjob ...15 minutes and counting ... "I, uh, I'm - sorry! - but I'm getting a bit of chafing here luv... do you think you could - yeah, that's right, spit into your hand... I mean I'm already having to picture Blair with those prissy little Catholic lips of his wrapped around a big red white and blue Bush flag pole just to keep my log on here ... I mean, come on, what am I paying you for, can't you at least whisper something dirty about my sizeable majority ...? "

{*Adam Ant: The Madness of Prince Charming ยท Channel 4. 17/7/03]



posted by Ian 7/18/2003 08:58:00 AM

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