SCRUB ME TILL I SHINE IN THE DARK,
I'LL BE ALIVE TILL DOOMSDAY...
FRAGMENTS OF A NOTEBOOK written in 1937
by "Laure" (a.k.a Colette Peignot)
Avoid contact with all people in whom there is no possible
resonance with what touches you most deeply and toward whom you
have obligations of "kindness," of politeness. Since these
obligations engage me strongly as soon as I find myself in the
presence of such people and engage me through an ill-fated habit
of patience and good-will, which in fact becomes will for
humiliation (sometimes abject). Imagine a musician in an orchestra
playing off-key because his neighbor is doing so, to be nice.
Flee--literally flee--those with whom you can exchange only
absurd remarks about others who are just like them and whom you
have seen the previous night exchanging the same remarks, or
equally vain gossip, about the very person you are talking to.
There are certain people who end up frequenting and even
calling friends those they denigrate constantly.
I hate "goodness" and "kindness," which have only led me to
Keep silent as before. It's better.
Contempt for those whose conversation boils down to all that I
hate and flee: to a certain spirit of vulgarity and pettiness.
Farce is what they feel comfortable with.
I cringe before certain laughter and smiles drawn forth on
Sometimes a laugh is enough to cause me to have, not aversion
toward, but distrust of a human being.
There is a point at which polite distrust is worse than
aversion because it is more reserved, but I can't confine myself
to this, and everything in me shouts, screams aversion.
Lack of reserve and moral propriety shocks me all the time,
due to certain nervous (physical) reactions I can neither hold
back nor hide.
Those who broaden the horizon, those who narrow it.
How I prefer a true whore.
Do not get stuck where the essential is lost, where everything
turns vulgar, base, and petty. Through my own fault, through a
will for humiliation. A feeling of abjection. "Defeated ahead of
time." So from now on "dust to dust" resembles dust. At those
moments it is physically impossible to be clear and frank. Shame
and false shame.
Easy: to accuse others of being superficial = brilliant =
Return to simple beings, to childlike reactions, a difficult
posted by Ian 7/17/2003 07:10:00 PM